Friday, September 20, 2013

The UnPerks of Being Single

Before I begin, I think it's sad I have to do this, but apparently some people are unable to figure out tone in writing (a fact that bothers me completely as an English teacher), but please keep in mind the tone of this piece is meant to be sarcastic in nature and I am in no way THIS conceited.

I have not hidden the fact that I want a person- my own person to call all mine.  It is my dream to have my father walk me down the aisle towards my person.  To have my person love and cherish me forever.  To have my person go out with me and let me show them off to others.  But let's be honest here.  There's some other pretty awesome perks that girls who already have a person get to enjoy.  As a single lady, I'm not allowed to partake in these "forbidden fruits," if you will.  They can only be had by the woman in a strong and steady relationship, probably one solidified by a ring and years of marriage.

First, the single lady cannot enjoy unshaven legs.  If you are single, you must shave, and you must keep everything shaved all the time.  I have always said that it doesn't matter how awesome a man is on a date.  Dudes, you can try REALLY hard to get into a girl's pants.  Really hard.  And sometimes, it doesn't matter how hard you try, you will never make it.  Why?  Because a girl predetermines how far you will get long before you ever set foot on her doorstep.  How far you get was determined in the shower that morning when she shaved her legs.  If she only goes as high as the knee cap, well, buddy, that's as far as you're gonna get.  Nothing stops a girl in her tracks like remembering the stubble on the inside of her thighs.

Another problematic symptom of the single:  we always have to look pretty.  We don't have our own person yet, so we have to lure them in.  My body is the fishing pole.  Here fishy fishy.  I get compliments all the time about how nice I look, and people say "It must be because you have a man in your life."  No people.  It's not because I have a man.  It's because I don't.  I have to work hard at this stuff.  Plucking and plastering and lifting and tugging.  Man-hunting preparation is tough work: throwing clothes around the room to find the perfect outfit; making sure my nails are perfectly manicured; working out to have a fit body and mind.  Men are visual creatures and you have to give them something purdy to look at first.  Then, once you've snagged 'em, you can go back to eating whatever you want, wearing yoga pants and fuzzy slippers, and having a uni-brow.

Single people get no excuses.  "Oh, you are single?  That means you are free to do everything!"  People are always assuming that because I am single, I have tons of free time.  It's the exact opposite.  See previous paragraph.  Daily (and nightly) preparation alone takes up most of my time, and scouting out dudes is a lot of work!  There's flirting, and outings, and communicating, and ignoring communication so they don't run away, and getting advice from friends, and shopping, and plotting, and crying, and so much more.  Being single is a hard life with lots of responsibilities and tasks that can't just be fluffed off.  There's no such thing as free time, so stop making poorly judged assumptions about the single community.

Single ladies have to be vigilant about stereotypes.  Having one cat is okay.  Having two... sheesh.  I don't know.... you might be on the verge of becoming the cat lady.  I think I've worked the stereotype out by owning one cat and one dog, but I've got to be careful.  I also have a huge library of books upstairs.  I'm cutting it close.

Food for couples is also so much easier.  First, there's couponing.  Restaurant coupons are not for the single.  Every coupon is for buy 1 get 1 free or half off.  There I sit in the drive-thru having an inner debate once again about the probability of being able to down two cheeseburgers because, let's face it, those things just aren't any good microwaved.  And don't even get me started on recipes.  Recipe books for one are just sad.  And trying to scale down a large recipe to fit just one person is impossible.  I have no idea how to measure out 1/16 of a teaspoon.  Both of these complaints are a moot point anyway because, don't forget, single girls have to watch their weight to snag a guy, so this means there's no "making extra" and there's no bogos.

All in all, being single is tough work if you are trying to make yourself unsingle.  On a serious note, I know that being in a relationship is also tough work.  At some point in every relationship, things start to slip.  People's bodies change.  Struggles occur.  Life happens.  Never forget to enjoy the fact that you have someone.  Never take that for granted.  Because if you do, you might find yourself on the toilet seat with no one there to get you another roll or no one to help you shave the pesky hairs in the center of your back (that last one was for single dudes... not me, fyi) or no one to blame your dirty pile of dishes on.

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